Top Five Reasons Voldemort Would Make A Better President Than Trump

Hello, fellow princesses. You may have been asking yourself over the last few months (or maybe you didn't even notice) where we went. This was going so well. Things seemed so promising. But sometimes you have your heart broken so truly madly deeply that you have to hole up with a pint of ice cream and your favorite Harry Potter book and pretend the world doesn't exist outside of Herbology with Professor Sprout or adventuring in the Forbidden Forest with Firenze. Listen, when a bigger monster than Voldemort became the 45th President of the United States, our hearts broke harder than when than when our first crushes ignored our "secret admirer letters", when Blue Bell discontinued Banana Split ice cream, when Firefly was cancelled...even when Dobby died. Our Trumpression was so consuming, so unrelenting, that it felt inappropriate, artificial, insincere to pretend to you all that we found anything alluring/charming/nerdy/appealing enough to write about and share. 

But that time has passed.

We are well past denial, bargaining and depression.  We're holding on to the anger just a wee bit longer to fuel the resistance, but we are finally ready to dive back in to all the fandoms that we hold so dear, and reconnect with any of you taking the time to read our little blog.  

I think some, if not most, of you could agree that there are far more than five reasons why Voldemort would make a better President than Donald Trump, but we've done our best to narrow it down to five. Please feel free to add more to the Comments section below. 

 

5. His followers look more "punk rock" and less "date rape".

Okay, we know this one is a bit superficial, but the Death Eaters just look more legit than all the little Humpty Trumptys.  We would have a much easier time taking Death Eaters seriously with their snake/skull tatts and head-to-toe black attire than we would a horde of 20-or-60 year old white males all sporting polo shirts, khaki cargo shorts, and red trucker hats spouting some nonsense about making America great "again".

Let us also consider Lucius's luscious locks and imagine *that* standing next our fearless leader rather than Sean Spicer in his Sean Spicer ties and upside down flag pins. I know we're all on the same page here.  

4. He recognizes the importance of a good education.

When a young Tom Riddle realized that he wanted to become the most powerful figure in the world, he sought out the wisdom of more brilliant wizards. He continued his education. He read books. Not to mention he figured out the whole immortality thing.  

He did not, however, get all of his intel from Rita Skeeter's articles in the Daily Prophet. He did not create a fake university that taught young minds to, um...? And to top it off, he almost always waited until Harry had finished his school year to try to kill him.

One more thing: he chose Severus Snape, the MF Half Blood Prince, to rule the most influential wizarding school when he took over. I know whose potions knowledge wouldn't be suffering if he was our Secretary of Education...ours. 

3. He's not sexist.

His right hand person was the baddest chick of all, Bellatrix Lestrange. And though he mainly assigned her to tasks like murder and torture, he definitely did not "move on her like a witch" (that was the line, right?).

2. He did not discriminate based on country of origin.

At the Quidditch World Cup, his followers tormented wizards and muggles from all countries, not just those in the Middle East or Mexico.  Equal Opportunity Dictator.

1. Oh yeah...he's fictional. 

The best part of Voldemort being President rather than Trump is that he's entirely made up.  He was created and defeated with pen and paper (or keyboard, rather...let's get real).  Signs an Executive Order creating Torture Tuesday? *Backspace Backspace Backspace*.  Decides to bomb Durmstrang? *JKJKLOLOLDELETE* Voldemort for President means J.K. Rowling for President and that day would be the best day. 

Voldemort might have made us turn on our night lights, maybe crack the door a little, cuddle a pet a little too tight, then say F it and crawl into bed with mom, but he didn't/doesn't have any power over us once we close the book.  Trump does.  So maybe now is not the time to pretend this is happening in another world far away. Right now we should be gathering up the knowledge and strength to cast that perfect Patronus charm. Dumbledore's Army...commence.