Top Five Reasons Voldemort Would Make A Better President Than Trump

Hello, fellow princesses. You may have been asking yourself over the last few months (or maybe you didn't even notice) where we went. This was going so well. Things seemed so promising. But sometimes you have your heart broken so truly madly deeply that you have to hole up with a pint of ice cream and your favorite Harry Potter book and pretend the world doesn't exist outside of Herbology with Professor Sprout or adventuring in the Forbidden Forest with Firenze. Listen, when a bigger monster than Voldemort became the 45th President of the United States, our hearts broke harder than when than when our first crushes ignored our "secret admirer letters", when Blue Bell discontinued Banana Split ice cream, when Firefly was cancelled...even when Dobby died. Our Trumpression was so consuming, so unrelenting, that it felt inappropriate, artificial, insincere to pretend to you all that we found anything alluring/charming/nerdy/appealing enough to write about and share. 

But that time has passed.

We are well past denial, bargaining and depression.  We're holding on to the anger just a wee bit longer to fuel the resistance, but we are finally ready to dive back in to all the fandoms that we hold so dear, and reconnect with any of you taking the time to read our little blog.  

I think some, if not most, of you could agree that there are far more than five reasons why Voldemort would make a better President than Donald Trump, but we've done our best to narrow it down to five. Please feel free to add more to the Comments section below. 

 

5. His followers look more "punk rock" and less "date rape".

Okay, we know this one is a bit superficial, but the Death Eaters just look more legit than all the little Humpty Trumptys.  We would have a much easier time taking Death Eaters seriously with their snake/skull tatts and head-to-toe black attire than we would a horde of 20-or-60 year old white males all sporting polo shirts, khaki cargo shorts, and red trucker hats spouting some nonsense about making America great "again".

Let us also consider Lucius's luscious locks and imagine *that* standing next our fearless leader rather than Sean Spicer in his Sean Spicer ties and upside down flag pins. I know we're all on the same page here.  

4. He recognizes the importance of a good education.

When a young Tom Riddle realized that he wanted to become the most powerful figure in the world, he sought out the wisdom of more brilliant wizards. He continued his education. He read books. Not to mention he figured out the whole immortality thing.  

He did not, however, get all of his intel from Rita Skeeter's articles in the Daily Prophet. He did not create a fake university that taught young minds to, um...? And to top it off, he almost always waited until Harry had finished his school year to try to kill him.

One more thing: he chose Severus Snape, the MF Half Blood Prince, to rule the most influential wizarding school when he took over. I know whose potions knowledge wouldn't be suffering if he was our Secretary of Education...ours. 

3. He's not sexist.

His right hand person was the baddest chick of all, Bellatrix Lestrange. And though he mainly assigned her to tasks like murder and torture, he definitely did not "move on her like a witch" (that was the line, right?).

2. He did not discriminate based on country of origin.

At the Quidditch World Cup, his followers tormented wizards and muggles from all countries, not just those in the Middle East or Mexico.  Equal Opportunity Dictator.

1. Oh yeah...he's fictional. 

The best part of Voldemort being President rather than Trump is that he's entirely made up.  He was created and defeated with pen and paper (or keyboard, rather...let's get real).  Signs an Executive Order creating Torture Tuesday? *Backspace Backspace Backspace*.  Decides to bomb Durmstrang? *JKJKLOLOLDELETE* Voldemort for President means J.K. Rowling for President and that day would be the best day. 

Voldemort might have made us turn on our night lights, maybe crack the door a little, cuddle a pet a little too tight, then say F it and crawl into bed with mom, but he didn't/doesn't have any power over us once we close the book.  Trump does.  So maybe now is not the time to pretend this is happening in another world far away. Right now we should be gathering up the knowledge and strength to cast that perfect Patronus charm. Dumbledore's Army...commence.    

 

Top Five Most Satisfying *Fictional* Deaths

I'm not sure what this says about us, but there are few things we enjoy more than watching/reading villains go dowwwwnnn. Like...all the way down.  Like dead. We may have argued more on this list than any other to date, not just on who to include (because there are so many gruesome deaths near and dear to our hearts) but what order to put these in. Here is our Top Five list that one of us may or may not have gotten our way on as far as order:

5. The Ring / Sauron

Whether you read the books or watched the movies (and chances are you fit into at least one of those categories if you're looking at our website), you spent many a day and night hating this ring that turned your favorite hobbits into angry, tired, scheming little grumpykins. What was essentially Sauron's horcrux wreaked havoc on not only the most peaceful creatures ever, but the always-honorable-and-noble Sean Bean. Though there is an argument as to whether or not Sauron actually died when the Ring Bye-Felicia'ed its way into Mount Doom, we at HBP refuse to acknowledge a world where Halflings and Elves have to do anything but eat, let alone battle another one of Sauron's orc-war temper tantrums.  

4.  HBO* Ramsay Bolton

HBO

HBO

Literally the hardest thing we've ever had to do in our lives is put Ramsay Bolton as #4 on this list. Maybe it's because the next 3 are that awful, maybe it's because we remember him as Simon on Misfits and can't quite let go. But one thing is certain: the Bolton Bastard mixed with weapons and extensive mental health issues was a recipe for such a glorious and long-awaited death that you have no other choice but to shut down your computer and leave work to watch his end again. Is there anyone alive that doesn't feed their dog and imagine that they're feeding their canine-child liiiiitttle tiny pieces of Ramsay mixed in with that Chunks of Beef in Gravy feast? We think not.

3. HBO* Joffrey "Baratheon" 

He might be some little brat with a mom-aunt and dad-uncle, but that's not what made his wine-induced choke fest so appealing. He was a combination of that kid you hated in Middle School, Chucky, and Vlad the Impaler. He killed his betrothed's direwolf (*cries forever*), he killed her dad, and then he showed her her said-dad's head on a spike. He tortured that realllyyyyy nice prostitute. And he was just annoying to look at. As far as we knew from the first three seasons of Game of Thrones, only the good characters died. So the main reason Joffrey beats Ramsay on this list is because his death wasn't a certainty to us then, and thus much more satisfying when it actually happened. BUT LET IT BE SAID: if there's a way to go, it's death by wine. Malbec murder might be better than becoming dog chow, but watching his creepy little face turn purple made us cheer so hard we almost lost our voices and considered calling in to work that next day. 

HBO

HBO

2. HBO* Walder Frey

HBO

HBO

The reason Walder is at #2 on our list isn't because of how much we wanted him dead (which was... a lot), but how much we loved Arya killing him. To see him die in any other way would have been aight, but the fact that a Stark's face was the last thing he saw gave us warm blood-thirsty fuzzies all over. The Red Wedding made us so sick that we had to miss a few days of work, so FINALLY getting the vengeance we've been desperately seeking for three seasons felt like Christmas morning. 

1. Voldemort (duh)

Two words: Cedric Diggory. And then there's, you know, Harry's parents, his owl, his friends, Dumbledore, Snape (RIP), and oh yeah, Harry himself when he was an infant. These deaths and more put this kid-killing sonofabitch at the top of our list. He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named was our generation's first real villain, our first taste of hatred, and the first death we craved. We don't blame J.K. for bringing these feelings out of our 10-year-old selves, we applaud her. Harry got by with a little help from his friends (Ok, a substantial amount of help), but in the end, the Boy Who Lived finally destroyed the One Who Would Never Die. Siriusly, would neverrrr die. He got killed more times than anyone we've ever met. Maybe invest a little less in horcruxes and a little more in frequent flier miles. Get a tan on that sickly pale nose-less face and pet your snake on a beach somewhere for the rest of your days. Maybe take a chill pill on all that kid-killing and you can stay alive for a lil bit.   

 

*: We aren't caught up on the books ***yet***, so our feelings on the GoT deaths are solely based on how the characters/deaths are perceived on HBO.

Top Five Reasons We're Excited about Fantastic Beasts…

5. The 1920s

Um…wardrobe much? The 1920s are probably your go-to answer to the question: "What's your favorite decade?" The hats, the bobs, the finger waves, the speakeasies, the bow ties, so much yes. Mixing the magic of the 20s with the magic of, you know, J.K. Rowling, might make our hearts explode into one big swoony mess.

www.Pottermore.com

www.Pottermore.com

4.  The Beasts

Let's go ahead and admit that some of our favorite characters from the HP series were Buckbeak, Fawkes, and Hedwig (RIP). The magical creatures that (unfortunately, to our knowledge) only exist in the Harry Potter universe make muggle pets look like peasants. The three that we're MOST excited about are:

              The Niffler:  a furry platypus/anteater-looking chunk that's attracted to glittery objects. Can you say #newspiritanimal?

             The Bowtruckle: sassy lil teeny tiny tree guardian that's partial to wood lice and fairy eggs.  It's super hard to spot and will claw out your eyes if you threaten its host tree…probably.

            The Demiguise: ok goosebumps. If Falcor and a perfect little baby monkey had a baby, it would be a demiguise. It's extremely sought-after because its hair can be woven into invisibility cloaks. They are hard to catch because they can tell the future, so you have to do something unpredictable in order to be able to find one. But please don't cuz… they are angelic angelly baby angels and we love them.  

Demiguise,  www.pottermore.com

Demiguise,  www.pottermore.com

3. Ilvermorny

The American version of Hogwarts has us feeling some feelings. It was founded by a witch and her No-Maj (American term for "muggle") husband, so it's like the more progressive, non-elitist cousin of the other wizarding schools. Like Hogwarts, it has four houses. Prepare yourself for endless debates with your friends on what house you/they/your fav HP characters would be sorted into. The houses are as follows:

Horned Serpent: favors the scholars

Pukwudgie: favors the healers

Thunderbird: favors the adventurers

Wampus: favors the warriors

Unlike Hogwarts, there's no sorting hat. Basically you stand in a spot in a circular room and these statues fight over you. If more than one wants you, you get a choice. Sound a little familiar?  #harrypotter #thevoice

www.Pottermore.com

2. Eddie Redmayne

We. can. not. think of a better human in all of existence to lead us back into the Harry Potter 'verse than Eddie Redmayne. His performances in The Theory of Everything, My Week with Marilyn and oh yeah, The Danish Girl, put him in the forefront of our minds for weeks. He seems equal parts someone you could probably be friends with if you met him on the street and someone that you can't quite look in the eyes because he's too…handsome? smooth? perfect? enthralling? magical? I dunno, you choose. He's a lot of things that we both can and can't handle. From what we've seen in the Fantastic Beasts trailer, he might give our baby Matt Smith a run for his money with his bow tie game. He's a big fan of the Harry Potter books and films, so we trust that he will at least meet, if not exceed, our very..very…very high expectations.

www.Pottermore.com

www.Pottermore.com

1. And obviouslyit's a return to the world we love/miss/need so much.

We've been described as the Harry Potter generation, and we'll gladly accept. Even a quick reference to the Harry Potter world in an unrelated book or movie makes our heart skip a beat and a creepy smile cross our faces. Do you ever catch yourself eavesdropping on conversations because you heard the word "Dumbledore", "Harry", "Potter", "Pot" "Ter", or "magic" and you think there might be a new friend in your midst? We do this quite often. So naturally, when news came that Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them was being made into a film, we felt like we were getting to go home again. There's something exciting and comfortable and addicting about the world that Goddess Rowling has created, and we need our fix. Cue Fantastic Beasts.  

 

Also, there's the possibility of OG cameos, so...

www.Pottermore.com

www.Pottermore.com