Board Games Not Bored Games (Or, Alternately Titled: How I Singlehandedly Conquered Westeros While Eating Pizza): Risk - Game of Thrones Edition

Risk was the first game that taught us the deliciousness of world domination and crushing our enemies. It was only a matter of time before some genius decided to stretch the boundaries and change the game (pun intended)....with an edition based on a series that just so happens to be a global phenomenon centered around world domination and crushing our enemies. Okay, so maybe it's not much of a creative leap, but it IS much easier now than it was when you were a child playing boring ole "normal" Risk because you know the geography of Westeros and Essos better than you do South America and Eastern Europe.

# of Freeloaders Eating All Your Snacks:

It's 2-7 players, so hide the name-brand stuff and bust out the RC Cola and the J. Higgs Cheezies Puffs.

Game Piece Radness: 6.5/10

While the Dragon, Harpy, Stag, and Sunspear get us feeling that House pride, the mascots of Houses Lannister, Stark and Tyrell leave us wanting. The Lion looks like a yellow koala head coming out of a piece of chewed gum, the Wolf looks like he's sleeping with a mouth guard on a pillow made of his own neck fat, and we've never seen anything so equal parts phallic and vaginal as the Rose of House Tyrell.

In all seriousness though, we swooned when we saw all of these teeny tiny toys.

Why It's Worth Staying in on a Saturday Night:

We thought it was obvious by now....world domination and crushing our enemies. Doing so behind the name and sigil of your favorite House is even better.

Maester cards are dope. They provide endless opportunities to screw over your friends (enemies).

There are cards that allow you to use special abilities belonging to some of your favorite characters. And most* of the names are even spelled right.

What We Could've Done Without:

You can't use the map of Essos unless you are playing a 2 person game or a 6-7 person game. Essos holds the seats of power of the Targaryens and the Ghiscari, so if you've got more than 1 friend but less than 5, say goodbye to your dragon-riding dreams.

Likelihood of Destroyed Friendships and/or Marriages: 9.2/10

This game is entirely based on attacking those around you, sometimes several times in a row. Every attack is done by a roll of the dice, and you never know what special abilities the peasant family you're invading might have up their peasant sleeves. So it is absolutely possible that an army of twelve could be wiped out by an army of four. Words will be had. Loyalties will be decimated. Pieces WILL be thrown (Game of Throwns? Anyone?... Anyone?)

How Drunk You Can Get (And Still Play Well) (Er...Well-ish):

You can go ahead and bust out that third bottle of wine, because while strategy in this game IS important, it's mainly just your dumb luck at throwing some numbered cubes at the same time that someone else is throwing numbered cubes. Maybe just wait to take shots til after you've read the instructions.

*: Not all.

Play like you're young (even when you're really...really not).

“Let someone dangerous in for tea. Make small signs that say ‘yes’ and spread them all over your house. Become a friend of freedom and uncertainty. Take a lot of naps. Dream wild, imaginative dreams. Draw on walls. Read everyday. Imagine you are enchanted. Giggle with children. Listen to old people. Be free. Praise yourself. Let go of fear. Play with everything. Preserve the child in you.”

— Joseph Beuys

We believe in magic, and there's nothing more magical than being 10 when you're actually 30. Let go of your anxieties and inhibitions, put on your play clothes, and get back to the basics. Here's how: 

Bubbles: Take a bottle of them with you everywhere you go. (Seal tightly.) Stepped in gum? Just got a divorce? Blow some bubbles. All better.

Play dress-up: If/when anyone tells you that you're too old to play dress-up, tell them they're wrong. You don't need a new hobby, you need new friends. Hoard ALL Halloween costumes. There will come a day when you really want to revisit that time you were Bill Nye the Science Guy. What are you going to do, buy a new lab coat?  Nah. 

Kiddie pool: Sit in a kiddie pool. It's exactly the same as when you were a kid, but this time you'll have a pitcher of margaritas with you. 

Climb a tree: Sure, now if you were to break your arm, it will take three times as long to heal, but at least it will get you out of work for a few days. You'll get the exhilaration of climbing a tree, plus the added bonus of telling people you broke your arm climbing a tree.

Find your nearest fair/carnival/theme park/freak show: Ride every single ride except for that stupid spinning spaceship one that makes you feel like you're going to vom. Don't feel weird about standing in line behind small children to get your face painted. You deserve to be a beautiful tiger/mermaid hybrid just as much as the 4 year old in front of you. 

Throw themed parties: Ever wanted to know what it felt like to live in The Shire? This is your chance. Transform your house into Middle Earth. Have a hallway? No you don't. You have the Bridge of Kazad-Dum. Have a kitchen? Negative. That's the Great Hall inside the Last Homely House. Have a closet? Ummmmm...pretty sure you should avoid it because that's Shelob's Lair.  

Find your city's top haunted locations: Remember when "Are You Afraid of the Dark?" was so scary, you couldn't watch it without your mom? Let's take it up a notch. You'll get the same rush of adrenaline that you did when you heard that creaking swing in the opening credits, only you'll get the added terror of real-life ghost meet-and-greets. Because, you know...you're smarter now.  

Go roller skating: Do it around your house or go to an actual rink. We've done both! Maybe avoid the lock-ins though....those are frowned upon if you're not accompanied by a child.

Look to the stars: The first magic you found as a child was in space. Have a late night picnic in your backyard, drive out into the country, or climb on to your roof. Wish on a star, look for falling ones, name constellations. And if you live in a city where it's impossible to see the stars, make your own.  

Play at work

Since you spend most of your waking hours at work, it's only fair that you do as little of actual work while you're there as possible. We've conducted quite a bit of research on this and would like to share our findings.

1. Before you even step foot in the door, eat a breakfast taco or three.

It's probably scientifically proven that a breakfast taco before work will significantly brighten your day for at least the first thirty minutes.

2. Play pranks on your coworkers.

Replace all of their pens with crayons, plaster their cubicle with photos of animals doing tricks, turn the volume on their phone down just a little bit Mon-Thurs and then turn it all the way up on Friday, change the background photo on their computer to one of your face reallyyyy close-up, adjust their chair height everyday, the sky is the limit! Do it to friends or do it to enemies. Either way, you'll have a blast.

3. Pull up an Excel spreadsheet and watch Netflix on your phone.

Always wanted to watch Peaky Blinders but just can't find the time? Start an Excel spreadsheet and put your phone below your monitor. It'll look like you're blankly staring at an Excel spreadsheet....just like you would be doing with an Excel spreadsheet anyway. 

4. Take naps.

Eat lunch at your desk so you can spend your lunch break napping in your car. Set your phone alarm to vibrate and crash out in a bathroom stall for fifteen minutes a few times a day. Your coworkers might think you have IBS but you'll be too well-rested to care.

5. Get your reading done via audiobook.

Download Audible or search for free audiobooks and listen to the books you will legit never have time to read even though you think you will one day. You won't. We recommend young adult series because it's easy to miss a word here or there when you have to actually do work. We do not recommend Shakespeare or 20th century contemporary Russian authors.

6. Keep toys at your desk.

Keeping a bobblehead or squishy ball thing in your desk is equally as important as the stash of Hot Cheetos you have. Toys make you happy and happy people don't cast spells on their bosses. They just don't.

And finally,

7. Watch Game of Thrones, make friends.

Feel like you're surrounded by people you have nothing in common with? Fact: everyone watches Game of Thrones. If you haven't, you probably don't exist. Watch Game of Thrones and start a conversation with literally anyone. Boom, new friend.  

Any tips for us that we may not have tried?  PLEASE let us know in the comments. We love not working at work.